Have you ever fucked someone up so bad, you start to hate who they have become? Yep, you guessed it, I have! To at least one person in my life that I am aware of. It sucks to find out when you are responsible for someone’s outcome, more so over when that outcome is not positive.

Have you ever reduced someone so low that they forget how to be themselves, and instead do whatever it takes to be the answer they think you want? Have you made someone question everything they do for fear of the outcome?

Apparently, I do this on the daily. Am I the one wrong here? Where do you go for answers when you can’t talk to anyone about your issues. More so over when the one person you were allowed to express yourself to stopped being there for you. (See Blog The Game and The Confident)

That leaves me with you guys, which is great but this is a growing blog, and I do not have that many of you readers yet. Nor are any of you commenting or participating yet. So for me, it is kinda like a boring diary that is hosted online lol.  

Anyway, the husband and I have been at it basically all evening over what I think could have been fixed in ONE text message as follows:

Husband: Morning sweetie, just wanted to let you know I’m on my way to (fill in a company here) for the afternoon, our daughter needs to be picked up at 2 from her friends. I should be done in enough time to get her, I’ll let you know if that changes, I’ll talk to you when I get home. Love you… SEND.

This way when I wake I know where he is, and that I did not need to pick up our daughter. Sweet right, not that much to ask? I usually ask him the night before, what jobs he has the next day, that way I know ruffly when he will be home. ( Usually more like how long am I home alone?) So he knows that I like to know this shit.

So I woke to him gone, (Which I was under the impression that he had nothing that he needed to leave the office in our house for) there were no messages and nothing to go on. So I reached out to our daughter to find out if she needed to be picked up. While I did that I also reached out to him to try and find out what was going on. 

Point of the matter he ended up getting pissy because he thought/thinks that I want a play by play, maybe it comes off that way I don’t know. How I meant for it to ever come across is for a general rule of thumb so I knew when to be expecting him and how to plan my day. Being nice I try and plan things around him or our plans, and often it seems to come back to backfire on me. 

He told me he was trying to be nice by not waking me to tell me where he was going or the plans for the day, the same reason why he didn’t message me as it may wake me. Now here is the part that I started to get pissy about. He says he thought he would have enough time to get our daughter, but if he couldn’t then whenever he figured out he wouldn’t make it, then he would message me that I had to go get her. Does no one feel what I felt here? That what he would have to do if that were the case would be rude and inconsiderate? So he would let me know last minute, “Hey I can’t get our daughter, I know you could have planned for it, and by now you tech could have made other plans, but can you drop everything and go get her?”

It is kinda crazy he is sweet and tries to be considerate more times than not. More times then not he also succeeds. However when he does this shit, and then tells me its because he was trying to be nice and that he sees nothing wrong with it, I have issues with that. Am I off my rocker? I doubt everything I do and say any more for fear that I am fucking someone or thing up. I feel that in the past 7/8 months I have slowly just been sucking the life out of Xanders balls. Maybe that’s what happens, every time I give him head I am really sucking the life out of him.

Up until more recently, he has been a depressing ball of emotions to which he will not admit. He seems to get upset at just about any and everything anymore. He loves to tell me all the things wrong with things, but never how he wants to fix them. He also does not like for me to tell him why they do not work. Then why ask my opinion for mother fucking everything? He said that I look for things for him to do wrong so that I can get mad at him. Maybe that has some truth to it, but at the same time what I really want is for him to just do the things I remember just being standard everyday things for him to do.

I don’t know, the end of the rant ends more with apparently I have belittled and bitched and what not that Xander is now afraid to do or be anything anymore, for fear of my reaction. How is one supposed to express how they feel if this is always the outcome? Am I to just keep it all inside and let things continue whichever way they want to head? What if it makes me miserable, and could be avoided if I just talk about it? This is just some of the shit I fight in my brain on a day to day basis.

 

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