Depression and my 50 shades of fuckery.

I have lived with depression for almost 21 years. Wow, that just blew my mind to think of, to be honest. Its something I will always have, the difference being that it can be managed with medication and taking care of yourself physically and mentally. I know I just sounded like a freaking commercial.

I believe I  was somewhere in the ballpark of 15 because I know I was not driving at the time, and I was out living with my grandmother again for what would be the last time I lived with her.

Depression is hereditary, which means it can be passed down from generation to generation.

  • Great Grandmother – Killed Herself before I was born.
  • Grandmother – Life-long depression
  • Mother – Has had it most of my life
  • Myself – More than half my life so far
  • Daughter – Diagnosed at 15

I used to go home to my mother’s every other weekend to visit/ spend time with her and my stepdad. On Sunday they would take me back home, and it was one Sunday on the return home, I was thinking of how to ask my mom “how does one know if they have depression?” My mom always judged or always said no, so I was afraid to ask her things for fear of looking stupid or rejection/let down. So that’s why I sat there trying to figure the best way to ask. What tone do I use? What words show I’m serious? Well, about 10 minutes of the 30 we had to drive back out to the boonies where I lived I finally got the balls to ask.

“Mom, at what age can you get depression?” That was the best I could come up with. She paused for a moment and then replied: “I’m not sure, why do you think you are depressed?” I was shocked I was totally waiting for something more along the lines of “Oh you don’t have depression, you’re a teenager it is just a phase, you will be fine.” As that was often the answer or advice to life.

She did end up making me an appointment to see my Doctor, much to my astonishment. Which at that time I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds.

I was ashamed that I had depression. I didn’t want anyone finding out that I was crazy and an Eeyore to boot! I was mad that I was sad, blue, insecure, etc. Like why could I just turn it off and be fucking happy Naudia?! I will go over more of my journey with depression in another blog. So stay tuned for that one!

Do you or someone you know have depression? Share something that helps you when you get in a slump!

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