Some days you just need to get outside your head and vent.

Do you ever try to figure out something about your life and you can’t seem to get outside your own head to do so? That’s me, I basically live inside my own head on a daily basis. I have to be running the edge of borderline personality disorder. I think it is a mix of my depression, bi-polar, and ADD mixed into one. It’s like an unhealthy dose of not wanting to be a bother to everyone, but at the same time wanting to be heard.

In large part that’s why I created this website to be fully honest. It was somewhere for me to feel like I could be heard and not judged, or feel like I was bothering people with my issues. Everyone has issues, and that doesn’t mean there are not people out there willing to listen to your issues, however when you have the issues I do you feel like a burden to everyone and that everything that comes out of your mouth is just another thing for them to not like you for.

Is that rational? Fuck no! However, when you are not right in your head, not all things need to make sense or have a reason for us to feel the way we do. That is part of what sucks and makes us hard to understand or reason with. It makes a huge challenge to the people who are active in your life, like your spouse, child, or even friend. They are kinda like the unsung heroes of this story. No one ever talks about what it takes to be the person who handles the daily ups and downs of being with someone like myself.

I think I may write a whole separate blog just for this topic.

So someone with all of my conditions I am wildly known for what I call the butterfly effect. No not like the actual butterfly effect, which is part of the chaos theory where something small can ripple to something large basically. The way I used to think about it was that if you say something small or meaningless today that it may affect someone or thing largely later in life. That you do not know what you do today will affect you later in life. I know it encompasses more than that but that is how I always remembered the principle of the butterfly effect.

Now to further demonstrate my point. I am one of those people who flutter from one point to the next to the next and then back around to the first one and so on. I can be like yes I am talking to Joe and then I hear Sally say something and suddenly I am paying attention to what she is saying, and then a car blares their horn outside, and I am looking to see what is going on, but then I will remember talking to Joe and will redirect my attention to him.

Or I will be telling you a story while doing so it reminded me to tell you about that one time, then while telling you about that one time turned into telling you about this one place I went, and then I will go on telling you about that place, suddenly I have forgotten the original topic, and we are 72 topics off from where I started.

So now take being someone who is stuck in their own head and can’t stay focused on a topic to save her life. It makes for a pretty chaotic place to be. Imagine never being able to complete a thought or to draw your own conclusions because you can’t seem to keep on the same topic long enough to achieve it. Sure you will come back to it, but it is like a never-ending loop that never concludes.

It is incredibly frustrating. However, that is my day-to-day life. So the point of the story is sometimes it helps to write your thoughts out. People ask me about this all the time, and I tell them all the same thing, “Write it out” You would be amazed at how much you think about when you can put your thoughts come to a point. Such as writing this blog I have thought of at least 3 other blogs I should write about, came up with a way of maybe explaining something to my husband, and a few thought trains about other stuff I need to think about. All while trying to explain to you some of the things I go through.

Write it out, even if just bullet points worth of info. Snip it’s of information that may just jog another thought train or answer to some question you had been asking yourself. Example:

  • Why did my brother calling me yesterday bother me? Was it because he didn’t call me back last week? Or because he only calls when he needs something?
  • I really need to work on getting all of my clothes put away after doing the laundry. God do I hate doing clothes.
  • I wonder if I could trade laundry with Xander once in a while for something he doesn’t like to do like mow the lawn.
  • Did I ever really get over that asshole that dumped me in college?

Things like that. See how some of my thoughts bounced off others and some had nothing to do with the other? However, what I will end up doing when I make a list like this, is now I have my thoughts written down and all I have to do is go back and try to answer them. Answer them in your head, or write them down, either is fine. Sometimes just having it somewhere where it feels tangible makes a huge difference. Personally, if I am going to take the time to write them down then I try to take the time to answer them. This also helps later if my head should try to bring this topic up again I can look back and kinda refresh myself on my own thought train. Yes, I can and do forget conversations I have already had with myself!

I think I am going to end this rant here. Did it really merit a blog? No, but then again it is my website and that means I get to make up the rules. I made this site in hopes of telling my story and helping maybe one other person one day.

So until next time, write it down if nothing else for yourself, and I’ll see ya in the next one!

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